#29 or "It never got weird enough"

At this point, counting my failures could take me years ...

... quite possibly longer than it took me to make them.

Right now, I'm uncomfortably drowning in debt like a drunk hooker without a life jacket. Sorry, we don't make rescue devices in size "whore".

Bummer.

Every time a bill collector calls I feel like I'm gargling the balls of a street-crusty hobo.

Those urea-flakes really irritate my esophageal lining. 

At least I got a raise over the past year.

Oh wait, that was an insulting raise that was 1/100 what I asked for.

Ugh, someone told me at 25 I'd have it all together.

When really, at 25, I don't make enough money to support myself OR my alcohol habit.

I'd like to find that someone and repeatedly pierce their genitals with a staple remover.

How's that for justice for your liiiiies?

So, I mentioned the ridiculous ticket I received a few months back.

What I did not mention is that I was not able to pay it in full on time.

And instead of like, you know, saving any money, I spent it.

On food. On booze. On Christmas gifts. On bills. On life.

Anyway, now this genius has a warrant out for her arrest.
The constant fear of cops is not invigorating or arousing.
I gain no thrills out of being pursued by The Man.

It just pisses me off that my tits couldn't get me out of that ticket in the first place.

If my breasts can't get me out of tickets, then why have I been enduring the back pain since I was 13?

Did I mention I got this ticket PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY?

Is nothing sacred anymore?

I already know the answer to that one is a resounding, "NO!"

Shortly before New Year's I suffered a horrible dental mishap.

I bit into an errant nutshell, piercing a molar to the root, like one of those dudes who feels like he's trying to poke your stomach with his dick when you're banging.

Except, this cracked my tooth and caused the worst pain known to man.

So yeah, dental work broke the bank for me before the year even started.

Also, I looked at my old livejournal and the last entry, dated 4 years ago reads, "Oh well I guess it could be worse. I could be toothless and have a warrant out for my arrest. Count my blessings, right?"

I'm like a fucking prophet here.

#29 - When faced with bills or tickets, ignore all phone calls and letters regarding them until you are faced with legal action. Jail is where all the cool kids are.