#31 or "Go Ahead And Grab Your Ankles"

I've done it again, ladies and gentlemen.
I took a perfectly promising future, bent it over a crusty, Jim Bean soaked couch and fucked it over.
With my figurative disease-infected penis.
It's pretty much never gonna speak to me again.
I'm okay with that.
It can JOIN THE CLUB.

Over the past month I have learned some valuable lessons.
Such as:
Telling men you work in television does not get you laid.
Appearing on television sans Spanx will convince you the camera adds 70 pounds.

As a journalist, it turns out I am inept.
I'd call my persona flaccid and my interviewing skills chafing.
To say it was bad is an unjust statement.
My attorney actually showed it to her newsroom as a lesson on WHAT NOT TO DO.
It was awesome to be on tv, if only playing the bumbling idiot.
But that role is not much of a stretch for me.

A few weeks ago, thanks to my irresponsible, immature, and lazy sister I got a ticket in her vehicle.
Not just any ticket.
a $700 ticket.
BECAUSE I'M ROLLING IN THE DOUGH RIGHT NOW.
Some shitfest ensued where she (surprise!) took no responsibility or offer to help.
My mistake for ever counting on anyone.
I can only count on two things: my ability to fall on my face and my twisted sense of humor.
Thank god for that one.
And since that piece of shit wasn't really working in the break or steering department anyway, its not drivable.
So yeah, my mother was kind enough to let me borrow her new car, since I have quite a commute to my 9-5 at the station.

But guess motherfuckin what?
I drove up to the launch party for the zine I write for and managed to mangle my already nearly unrecognizable life.
The party had a great turn out but I felt unneeded and awkward as fuck.
AND THEN I FELL ON MY FACE.
Blood and all.
Wasn't even drunk.
Because I'm THAT girl.
But the kicker is that on my way back home that night, I hit some debris, swerved and hit a ditch.
This blew out all four tires, ruined a wheel, and possibly the suspension.
I have successfully screwed my mom out of a car as well.
I am just a golden god.
My favorite was how I stepped in a bed of fire ants waiting for the ($500) tow.
Then, like the god damned winner I am, I sobbed in the tow truck until I cried myself out and the driver had to shake me awake.
Also when my mother was in the hospital, she missed an insurance payment.
Seriously, baby jesus is just smiling fucking rainbows and unicorns down on me.

At some point I started seeing(?) a boy. ... a nice one.
Who reads.
But because I am a homely loser I'm 99% positive this will remain in friend zone forever.
It's nice to have another friend though.
My mind is continually boggled when people agree to hang out with me as if I have anything to offer but nuzzles, trouble, and unbelievable ridiculousness.
My life is not real.

#31 - Ask, "Can we make this Facebook official now?" before the 1st date is even halfway through.